Sexual Health and Healing

One of the most common issues I come across in my work with couples is a lack of quality time together. In today’s world, it’s easy to get caught up in everything that has to get done at work and at home: long hours at work; home maintenance; running errands; shuttling kids or loved ones from place to place…endless “to-do” lists. Too frequently, I hear couples say that their quality time happens at the end of a long day, when they’re able to just collapse on the couch together

Parenthood…it’s one of the most difficult jobs any of us can hold. The people who choose to take on this monumental task are committing decades of their lives, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year—to being parents. Regardless of all of the other roles and responsibilities in their lives, being a parent becomes a large part of their identity. Through all of the trials and tribulations that come with raising children, their parent’s lives become less focused on their marriage and more focused on the lives of their children.

Navigating all of the “Dos and Don’ts” of dating can be quite the labyrinth these days. It’s become such a complicated issue for so many people that when you use Google to search for “dating don’ts,” there are over five million results. Clearly, a lot of people are looking for some direction.

Can phone apps actually improve communication skills for couples? On the face of it, the idea seems to be completely incongruent. A phone app to help couples improve their communication seems self-contradictory in its intended purpose. As a therapist, when I'm helping couples hone their communication skills, much of the focus in the beginning of treatment is listening to each other's thoughts and feelings, and includes learning how to use validation and empathy in their responses.

Approximately 80-90% of couples report that their relationship satisfaction declined once they had their first baby.  I would never profess the belief that you can childproof your sex life right after you’ve had a baby.  Generally, for at least the first 6-9 months a postpartum female’s hormones have not returned back to her pre-pregnancy levels.  If she’s breast feeding, her estrogen levels are very low; which causes low libido.  Low estrogen levels also cause vaginal dryness, another reason why she may not be too enthusiastic about sexual activity during that timeframe.  

Maggie saw Jim kick the family dog. His foot firmly connected with Grover's belly, sending him into a humiliating skid on the kitchen floor. The dog yelped and peed on the floor but he wasn't injured. Maggie was shaking with anger and a little bit of fear. It was bad enough that Jim had been yelling at her, but now he was abusing their dog? He would pay for his lapse in judgment, but right now she just wanted to get away from him. She stormed out of the kitchen and slammed the door to her bedroom.

Healing shame is a vital step toward realizing your full potential and can have many unexpected benefits.. For instance, if you are less controlled by feelings of shame, you may have more energy and enthusiasm to explore your creativity, find your passion, realize your purpose, and find fulfillment.

When someone first calls my office and requests treatment to help them with low sexual desire, or problems with sexual functioning,

one of the first questions I ask them is, “Have you already seen your doctor to have blood work done to rule out a possible medical condition?”

Sexual intimacy is an expected part of a modern day relationship—it is often seen as an expression of love and desire. Most couples are typically very sexual at the beginning of their relationship but it isn't unusual for activity to slow down over time. Factors such as aging, relationship complacency, and hectic lifestyles contribute to the decline in sexual activity but overall, healthy relationships do not tend to go more than six months without sexual intimacy. A steady decline or sudden end of sexual activity may be an indicator of deeper issues; if not addressed, it may be the beginning of a sexless relationship. Sex-avoidant, or sexless couples, are on the rise. Recent studies have shown an increase in the amount of young couples experiencing less than average sexual intimacy in their relationships. A "sexless" relationship is defined as couples having intercourse fewer than ten times a year. It is estimated that nearly 20 million Americans in a relationship are completely sexually inactive.

Do you spend significant amounts of time on your computer, tablet or Smartphone?   If you do, then like an increasing number of people, you may rely so fully upon one or all of these modes of communicating and connecting with the outside world that you might not be able to envision life without it.  While you no doubt have a very real need for these devices in your daily life and work, is it possible that your reliance on them could be eroding the quality of your life, and in particular, your love life?

Is the time you spend online having an effect on your face to face connections?  What happens to relationships when one partner finds themselves flirting with Facebook friends while the other partner would prefer to spend time with them?  And how do relationships fare when one partner is late to bed because they would rather find romance online? 

“Seduction can be broken down into an equation: 10% projection of success, 10% appearance, 10% intelligence, and 70% charm.” 

—Askmen.com

Some people just seem to ooze sex appeal (think Samantha Jones and Christian Grey). Granted, those are fictional characters that both have a lot of experience under their belts, but don’t worry if you don’t—with a little coaching and practice, you will be radiating sexy in no time. The truth is we are all capable of being sexy. Like everything else in life that’s worth having or doing, it takes effort and dedication to perfect those skills. Whether you are trying to meet a stranger, or rekindle the art of seduction after years in a relationship, these are some guidelines to follow in perfecting your skillset.

Am I Normal?

As a sex therapist, I get a lot of questions from people wanting to know what is “normal.” People vary so widely in their sexual thoughts, attitudes and behavior that defining “what is normal” is difficult if not completely impossible. A good rule to follow about normalcy for you is: whatever you and your partner decide will be pleasurable for you both. This month, I’m sharing with you the most commonly asked questions, with some brief responses. Enjoy!